Andy Rooney died this past weekend. I’ll miss the observations and witticisms from America’s Grump Laureate, sitting behind his cluttered desk at CBS complaining about everything from bottled water to lousy Christmas presents. In tribute to Rooney, I’d like to channel his wry style for this month’s column.
Let’s talk about last week’s elections. I can’t understand people who won’t fund education. It makes as much sense as trying to save money by not changing the oil in your car. The meek won’t inherit the earth; our kids will. Shouldn’t they be ready?
They’re not ready, by the way, because every third word spoken by a teenager is “like.” I figured out why. It’s Facebook. Teenagers spend all their time on Facebook, clicking this and that. When they see something they enjoy, such as a video of a guy pushing his friend onto the freeway in a shopping cart, they click the little icon that says “like.” Well, I don’t like it. It’s filling their heads with “likes,” and it spills out in their speech.
I know what to do. If we can get Mark Zuckerberg to replace all the Facebook “like” icons with a little green dot instead of a word, then our kids won’t sound like such idiots.
We also learned from the elections that we have a problem with medical marijuana here in Fort Collins. I don’t get it. Bacon kills more people than marijuana. Why don’t we get all the shops that sell medical marijuana to also sell bacon? That way we can regulate it so people prone to a heart attack won’t be able to buy a stash of bacon unless they get a doctor’s note.
Citizens will then like the shops because they’ll smell good. Who doesn’t like the smell of bacon? I know I do.
According to the vote on Question 300, these medical marijuana/bacon, or MMB, shops wouldn’t be allowed. But not so fast. Instead, they should move to Midtown, near the mall.
Fort Collins has thriving businesses in Old Town and way down by Harmony Road, but not much in between. MMB shops will attract those CSU students whose medical conditions become more acute on Friday and Saturday nights, and Midtown will thrive.
We also should move all the fast food places – especially the ones that put bacon on everything from burgers to sundaes – and locate them near the MMBs. If you don’t understand why that would make sense, you don’t have the medical condition I’ve been talking about.
Speaking of CSU students, I don’t understand why they splash hundreds of gallons of white paint on the hill over Hughes Stadium to create a big letter A. It just confuses the tourists. Forget the paint, and have the students scatter marijuana seeds. A bunch is about to become available.
That would be better for the environment than all that toxic paint.
And instead of a big confusing letter, why don’t the students plant a big green dot? Then the tourists, having “liked” their wonderful visit to Fort Collins, could hold up their smart phones and click on that big green dot.
Which reminds me, my wife got me one of those new smart phones. It’s so confusing it should be called a stupid phone…
Thank you, Mr. Rooney.